Puzzle Pieces

The past few days have been one heck of an emotional rollercoaster. Again.

Those of you with a phobia of dentists will understand this part. Appointment number four in two months… the final placement of a crown… happened. Unfortunately, I had a crown come off a while back and since the tooth was dropping on its own we left it off to minimize the required surgery. Dentist noticed it was infected and now has to be pulled. Next week. Head/desk.

Then there’s the bio family. The ones I’ve been trying to get away from and recover from the emotional abuse that’s piled up over the decades. Only my work voicemail is left to them to try contacting me (except snail mail which I don’t have to open). Now it is the threat of sending the sheriff to do a welfare check on me and having me hauled in for a psych eval. Seriously, one of the sisters actually said it only takes two family members to have it done. Since when is not wanting to talk to people who hurt me grounds for insanity?

Friends tell me they have no legal grounds to do any of this. I’m holding on to that one because I really don’t want to have to deal with it. I will if they follow through but then again they haven’t followed through on any of the other threats yet either. Threats have always worked to get me to fall back in line in the past. That is why I will not talk to them. I will not email them and give them more fuel. I will just be me and live the life I have here. I choose to listen to my own voice, not theirs.

Another piece of the puzzle fell in place for me as I was freaking out after the two issues mentioned above. Fear. I am afraid to be exposed and mocked. So I throw up walls and put what doesn’t mean a lot to me out for the world. Then I hide my core self, my creative expressions, my self so no one can hurt me.

Thus I fail. I set myself up for failure because I don’t put myself into anything I do. At least not in anything put out into the world. I never have enough money. I never have enough experiences. I’m lost and trapped. Because I’m afraid to step outside this little box.

Yeah, that traces back those decades as well. So adding the fear, recognizing it, acknowledging it will add fuel to my own voice. I hope. J