Emotional Rollercoaster

So today was an emotional rollercoaster. Heck, the last few weeks have been. Today just happened to be both performance review day at work and the anniversary of my mother's death. Perfect storm? On top of everything else, probably just enough to push me over the edge. And most people will just assume it's one of those two things pushing an already over sensitive Ryn into crying fits.

Not that either of those helped but this has been going on for a while. Trying to finally get some sense of grounding to my life, not letting the emotional abuse of my family control my reactions anymore, became my goal a few months ago. After decades the old memories I'd blocked are started coming back with a vengeance. Finding a group of friends who say they want to be the supportive family I never had was, I think, the final trigger. I don't really know how to handle them. Closest being my new 'brother' who's really the only one I've let get that close. But I keep waiting for him and the others to find a new toy and move on. That's the real rollercoaster. Waiting for it all to come crashing down.

And now I'm out here, getting some of this out to the universe so it's not completely bottled up inside of me. Because I'm good at that and then making myself sick. At the moment I just wait for the silence... wait for them to abandon me like my blood relatives have always done when I wasn't what they wanted. Waiting for them to realize just how messed up I am and that I'm not worth their time and effort. Oh yeah, definitely a pity party for Freyrryn tonight. Haven't stopped crying for the past hour. Can't seem to stop. Just want to get it out.

And as childish as it sounds, I miss my mom. It's been twelve years since she died of cancer... to the day. She wasn't actively part of the abuse. That came from an alcoholic father and sisters who figured my coming along screwed up where they thought their lives were going to go. But she was older... and very tired after raising the others. So in some ways it's kinda like she abandoned me too. And I hate myself for saying that.

By the way, this blog is the first time I've put in writing that it was emotional abuse. I have a minor in psychology and have known for years but never actually admitted it. Classic case of being able to recognize and work with something when it wasn't personal... avoiding it when it was. Oh well the past is the past, right?

So I'm sitting here feeling guilty and pouring my pain out to the universe. I hope Mom's spirit doesn't get mad at me for admitting all of this. But I felt the need to put it out there... in the hands of the goddess in the hopes of something good coming from it. If not for me then for someone else. Please?