It's a day of being holed up at home, supposedly working but not really, because of snow and ice. As a daughter of the north I have an appreciation for snow and ice. It's an excuse to shut everything down and just be. Or just think depending on the situation.
As for me, it's been a lot of thinking today. And a lot of that thinking has been drifting towards how I'm a selfish bitch and not good enough. Yep, the thoughts went into that dark and dangerous territory today. There's a lot of legal and political turmoil for people I know and care about. I'm trying to be a good friend but it's either not hitting me to trigger any emotion or it triggers a lot of personal emotions that make me want to scream at them. Why scream? Because what they fail to realize is that while they might be discriminated against for being a minority the end result is the same as what I deal with every day. But no one cares to take up the cause from my perspective because I'm considered not a minority. Well, other than being a woman but that doesn't really have an impact on this subject.
But I'm being selfish. It hurts them. I should be caring. I should be stepping up to join the rally. Instead I think about my own wounds and how I'm not alternative enough to hit the radar.
Okay, enough with the whining for the moment.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Puzzle Pieces
The past few days have been one heck of an emotional rollercoaster. Again.
Those of you with a phobia of dentists will understand this part. Appointment number four in two months… the final placement of a crown… happened. Unfortunately, I had a crown come off a while back and since the tooth was dropping on its own we left it off to minimize the required surgery. Dentist noticed it was infected and now has to be pulled. Next week. Head/desk.
Then there’s the bio family. The ones I’ve been trying to get away from and recover from the emotional abuse that’s piled up over the decades. Only my work voicemail is left to them to try contacting me (except snail mail which I don’t have to open). Now it is the threat of sending the sheriff to do a welfare check on me and having me hauled in for a psych eval. Seriously, one of the sisters actually said it only takes two family members to have it done. Since when is not wanting to talk to people who hurt me grounds for insanity?
Friends tell me they have no legal grounds to do any of this. I’m holding on to that one because I really don’t want to have to deal with it. I will if they follow through but then again they haven’t followed through on any of the other threats yet either. Threats have always worked to get me to fall back in line in the past. That is why I will not talk to them. I will not email them and give them more fuel. I will just be me and live the life I have here. I choose to listen to my own voice, not theirs.
Another piece of the puzzle fell in place for me as I was freaking out after the two issues mentioned above. Fear. I am afraid to be exposed and mocked. So I throw up walls and put what doesn’t mean a lot to me out for the world. Then I hide my core self, my creative expressions, my self so no one can hurt me.
Thus I fail. I set myself up for failure because I don’t put myself into anything I do. At least not in anything put out into the world. I never have enough money. I never have enough experiences. I’m lost and trapped. Because I’m afraid to step outside this little box.
Yeah, that traces back those decades as well. So adding the fear, recognizing it, acknowledging it will add fuel to my own voice. I hope. J
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Which Voice Do You Want To Listen To?
So it's been a fairly quiet week for me. Not that work, doctor appointments and other things haven't stressed me out but I haven't been even close to an emotional breakdown. After the past two months, I consider that a win. On Monday we had family dinner and I even spoke the words out loud that I was emotionally abused and I fear they are all going to leave me like everyone else has. I got mauled for that one... a few tears and a lot of giggles. It was good.
Today my thoughts are on faith and beliefs. I have never denied that I might have been raised Christian but don't hold to that faith. The old pagan religions have more power for me. Heavily female leaning, full pantheons, even multiple pantheons are what my soul tells me is true. I believe in magic.
That truth inside of me... the voices of my subconscious... have kept me sane all these years. Well, as close to sanity as possible for any of us. ;-) Remember, we're all insane by someone's definition... just as we're all going to hell by someone's definition. So I don't worry about that too much. Anyway, when I chose to listen to my own voice(s) instead of what others were telling me is when I started laying the groundwork for taking myself back. Regaining control.
Most of my chosen family have similar beliefs. Do all of our details match up with each other? Hell no... wouldn't want them to either. That's part of what makes it interesting. But when we get together tarot, runes, and astrology are just a part of what we do and we take it seriously. Everyone has their own preference but we listen to each others interpretations. Some of us are more heavily into it than others and that is fine.
One person in the family is who I'm thinking about... or towards... with this line of thought. She's having a hard time in the believing because... well a lot of reasons. She has a heavy wall around her of cynicism and skepticism. I'm sure part of that is the health problems she has had in surviving cancer twice in her short life but I think part of it that she's not admitting (to us at least) comes from someone telling her in the past that she was wrong. Someone she trusted told her that what her own soul/voices said was total garbage. Gibberish. I heard the same thing but dove inside my own head instead. So now she says she wants to believe but her actions say otherwise. The trust in faith is overridden by the other voice that says if it isn't provable then it's not true.
As of yet, I'm still walking on eggshells with her on this subject... afraid of hurting both of us. When I get the chance, here is what I want to say. I don't know who hurt her before... who betrayed her trust... but the whole issue of faith has nothing to do with trusting us or even the gods really. They can be backstabbing bitches too. It's about trusting herself. Listening to her own voices (because really, who doesn't have multiple subconscious voices all with different opinions?) and hearing what they have to say. Then deciding... which voice do you want to listen to?
Today my thoughts are on faith and beliefs. I have never denied that I might have been raised Christian but don't hold to that faith. The old pagan religions have more power for me. Heavily female leaning, full pantheons, even multiple pantheons are what my soul tells me is true. I believe in magic.
That truth inside of me... the voices of my subconscious... have kept me sane all these years. Well, as close to sanity as possible for any of us. ;-) Remember, we're all insane by someone's definition... just as we're all going to hell by someone's definition. So I don't worry about that too much. Anyway, when I chose to listen to my own voice(s) instead of what others were telling me is when I started laying the groundwork for taking myself back. Regaining control.
Most of my chosen family have similar beliefs. Do all of our details match up with each other? Hell no... wouldn't want them to either. That's part of what makes it interesting. But when we get together tarot, runes, and astrology are just a part of what we do and we take it seriously. Everyone has their own preference but we listen to each others interpretations. Some of us are more heavily into it than others and that is fine.
One person in the family is who I'm thinking about... or towards... with this line of thought. She's having a hard time in the believing because... well a lot of reasons. She has a heavy wall around her of cynicism and skepticism. I'm sure part of that is the health problems she has had in surviving cancer twice in her short life but I think part of it that she's not admitting (to us at least) comes from someone telling her in the past that she was wrong. Someone she trusted told her that what her own soul/voices said was total garbage. Gibberish. I heard the same thing but dove inside my own head instead. So now she says she wants to believe but her actions say otherwise. The trust in faith is overridden by the other voice that says if it isn't provable then it's not true.
As of yet, I'm still walking on eggshells with her on this subject... afraid of hurting both of us. When I get the chance, here is what I want to say. I don't know who hurt her before... who betrayed her trust... but the whole issue of faith has nothing to do with trusting us or even the gods really. They can be backstabbing bitches too. It's about trusting herself. Listening to her own voices (because really, who doesn't have multiple subconscious voices all with different opinions?) and hearing what they have to say. Then deciding... which voice do you want to listen to?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Emotional Rollercoaster
So today was an emotional rollercoaster. Heck, the last few weeks have been. Today just happened to be both performance review day at work and the anniversary of my mother's death. Perfect storm? On top of everything else, probably just enough to push me over the edge. And most people will just assume it's one of those two things pushing an already over sensitive Ryn into crying fits.
Not that either of those helped but this has been going on for a while. Trying to finally get some sense of grounding to my life, not letting the emotional abuse of my family control my reactions anymore, became my goal a few months ago. After decades the old memories I'd blocked are started coming back with a vengeance. Finding a group of friends who say they want to be the supportive family I never had was, I think, the final trigger. I don't really know how to handle them. Closest being my new 'brother' who's really the only one I've let get that close. But I keep waiting for him and the others to find a new toy and move on. That's the real rollercoaster. Waiting for it all to come crashing down.
And now I'm out here, getting some of this out to the universe so it's not completely bottled up inside of me. Because I'm good at that and then making myself sick. At the moment I just wait for the silence... wait for them to abandon me like my blood relatives have always done when I wasn't what they wanted. Waiting for them to realize just how messed up I am and that I'm not worth their time and effort. Oh yeah, definitely a pity party for Freyrryn tonight. Haven't stopped crying for the past hour. Can't seem to stop. Just want to get it out.
And as childish as it sounds, I miss my mom. It's been twelve years since she died of cancer... to the day. She wasn't actively part of the abuse. That came from an alcoholic father and sisters who figured my coming along screwed up where they thought their lives were going to go. But she was older... and very tired after raising the others. So in some ways it's kinda like she abandoned me too. And I hate myself for saying that.
By the way, this blog is the first time I've put in writing that it was emotional abuse. I have a minor in psychology and have known for years but never actually admitted it. Classic case of being able to recognize and work with something when it wasn't personal... avoiding it when it was. Oh well the past is the past, right?
So I'm sitting here feeling guilty and pouring my pain out to the universe. I hope Mom's spirit doesn't get mad at me for admitting all of this. But I felt the need to put it out there... in the hands of the goddess in the hopes of something good coming from it. If not for me then for someone else. Please?
Not that either of those helped but this has been going on for a while. Trying to finally get some sense of grounding to my life, not letting the emotional abuse of my family control my reactions anymore, became my goal a few months ago. After decades the old memories I'd blocked are started coming back with a vengeance. Finding a group of friends who say they want to be the supportive family I never had was, I think, the final trigger. I don't really know how to handle them. Closest being my new 'brother' who's really the only one I've let get that close. But I keep waiting for him and the others to find a new toy and move on. That's the real rollercoaster. Waiting for it all to come crashing down.
And now I'm out here, getting some of this out to the universe so it's not completely bottled up inside of me. Because I'm good at that and then making myself sick. At the moment I just wait for the silence... wait for them to abandon me like my blood relatives have always done when I wasn't what they wanted. Waiting for them to realize just how messed up I am and that I'm not worth their time and effort. Oh yeah, definitely a pity party for Freyrryn tonight. Haven't stopped crying for the past hour. Can't seem to stop. Just want to get it out.
And as childish as it sounds, I miss my mom. It's been twelve years since she died of cancer... to the day. She wasn't actively part of the abuse. That came from an alcoholic father and sisters who figured my coming along screwed up where they thought their lives were going to go. But she was older... and very tired after raising the others. So in some ways it's kinda like she abandoned me too. And I hate myself for saying that.
By the way, this blog is the first time I've put in writing that it was emotional abuse. I have a minor in psychology and have known for years but never actually admitted it. Classic case of being able to recognize and work with something when it wasn't personal... avoiding it when it was. Oh well the past is the past, right?
So I'm sitting here feeling guilty and pouring my pain out to the universe. I hope Mom's spirit doesn't get mad at me for admitting all of this. But I felt the need to put it out there... in the hands of the goddess in the hopes of something good coming from it. If not for me then for someone else. Please?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
End of the World Survival
Ah the lovely end of the world scenario. Society breaking down. Disaster everywhere. The human sheep running amok.
Why is this on my mind? Because I am at work (you'll hear more about this cubicle farm in the future, I'm sure) and that's what the guy sitting next to me is discussing. We've been through a bit of downsizing and lost several members from our team the past six months. Thus he now has to discuss this stuff with me as he lost his cohorts on the subject. The 'team lunches' I conveniently had meetings during would often turn into what each of them thought they would need to survive the collapse of this society.
One guy believes he can bunker down with his wife and son and all their stockpiles of food stuffs in a concrete tomb under ground. Okay, I call it a tomb... don't remember what his name for it was... kinda blocked that one out. Anyway, he thought that with six months of supplies he could wait out the worst of it hidden from the rest of the world. At the end of six months he would emerge and be a part of rebuilding.
The one speaking today has another attitude. He is stockpiling guns and ammo. I point out that eventually ammo runs out but he thinks he's smarter than the average human sheep and will only use what is absolutely necessary for his goals. The reason he stockpiles guns instead of supplies is he believes he can take supplies from the sheeple (human sheep). To end the conversation I refrained from pointing out that he can't even manage to climb a single flight of stairs without having to stop for five minutes and catch his breath. Not sure how he's going to catch sheeple to take their supplies with or without a gun.
This does bring up an interesting subject. We are in 2011. The supposed end of the world is less than two years away according to the talking heads out there. So what does that mean?
A firey death coming from outer space? Natural disaster wiping out the human population? If so, then why is everyone so worried about it? It's not like they're going to be around to suffer because of it.
So not the literal physical end to the planet. The end of society then? I can believe this one a bit more but again how can you really prepare? Unless you're orchestrating said end how do you know what it's going to be? What will the trigger be? What will the result be? Societies rise and fall all the time. Read some history if you don't believe me. And people have survived. How? Not really by stockpiling and bunkering down.
Survival is an instinct. A using of the brain we all have even if we look at some people and don't believe it. The survivors have been the ones willing to be flexible. Rather than spouting rhetoric or orders or such, they've been watchers. But they don't just watch. They put what they observe and learn into action. Use the chaos and new order to build a place for themselves, whatever incarnation that takes.
I suppose that leads to me. I am a watcher. I observe the world, view the patterns and put things together in my own mind. Hopefully I use that knowledge and wisdom when the time comes. Sometimes I doubt myself on that one but I'm working on it. Always working on it. And that, my friends, is where I listen to my coworkers and their plans for surviving the end of the world... and mentally find many possible paths for my own survival in their perceived new worlds. Or my path in this world should it continue as is.
How about you? What are your thoughts on the subject.
Why is this on my mind? Because I am at work (you'll hear more about this cubicle farm in the future, I'm sure) and that's what the guy sitting next to me is discussing. We've been through a bit of downsizing and lost several members from our team the past six months. Thus he now has to discuss this stuff with me as he lost his cohorts on the subject. The 'team lunches' I conveniently had meetings during would often turn into what each of them thought they would need to survive the collapse of this society.
One guy believes he can bunker down with his wife and son and all their stockpiles of food stuffs in a concrete tomb under ground. Okay, I call it a tomb... don't remember what his name for it was... kinda blocked that one out. Anyway, he thought that with six months of supplies he could wait out the worst of it hidden from the rest of the world. At the end of six months he would emerge and be a part of rebuilding.
The one speaking today has another attitude. He is stockpiling guns and ammo. I point out that eventually ammo runs out but he thinks he's smarter than the average human sheep and will only use what is absolutely necessary for his goals. The reason he stockpiles guns instead of supplies is he believes he can take supplies from the sheeple (human sheep). To end the conversation I refrained from pointing out that he can't even manage to climb a single flight of stairs without having to stop for five minutes and catch his breath. Not sure how he's going to catch sheeple to take their supplies with or without a gun.
This does bring up an interesting subject. We are in 2011. The supposed end of the world is less than two years away according to the talking heads out there. So what does that mean?
A firey death coming from outer space? Natural disaster wiping out the human population? If so, then why is everyone so worried about it? It's not like they're going to be around to suffer because of it.
So not the literal physical end to the planet. The end of society then? I can believe this one a bit more but again how can you really prepare? Unless you're orchestrating said end how do you know what it's going to be? What will the trigger be? What will the result be? Societies rise and fall all the time. Read some history if you don't believe me. And people have survived. How? Not really by stockpiling and bunkering down.
Survival is an instinct. A using of the brain we all have even if we look at some people and don't believe it. The survivors have been the ones willing to be flexible. Rather than spouting rhetoric or orders or such, they've been watchers. But they don't just watch. They put what they observe and learn into action. Use the chaos and new order to build a place for themselves, whatever incarnation that takes.
I suppose that leads to me. I am a watcher. I observe the world, view the patterns and put things together in my own mind. Hopefully I use that knowledge and wisdom when the time comes. Sometimes I doubt myself on that one but I'm working on it. Always working on it. And that, my friends, is where I listen to my coworkers and their plans for surviving the end of the world... and mentally find many possible paths for my own survival in their perceived new worlds. Or my path in this world should it continue as is.
How about you? What are your thoughts on the subject.
Restart
Yes there was something here before. Yes I deleted it. It struck me as wrong so I did so.
How's that for a new introduction? By the way, hello! I'm Freyrryn and I'm looking for my library.
Library? Huh? Yeah I know, not necessarily the image everyone else would have for their ultimate place in the universe but as I said I'm Freyrryn and my mind doesn't necessarily work like everyone else's. And that is a good thing in my opinion.
So to kick off this journey, the restart, I'm just going to remind myself and everyone else that life starts now. Life according to whatever definition you want to give it... it is your life after all.
How's that for a new introduction? By the way, hello! I'm Freyrryn and I'm looking for my library.
Library? Huh? Yeah I know, not necessarily the image everyone else would have for their ultimate place in the universe but as I said I'm Freyrryn and my mind doesn't necessarily work like everyone else's. And that is a good thing in my opinion.
So to kick off this journey, the restart, I'm just going to remind myself and everyone else that life starts now. Life according to whatever definition you want to give it... it is your life after all.
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